Reflections

Facing the mirror

When you struggle too long for an issue or a problem,

but you don’t really want to admit it

and that’s precisely when you look

into the mirror

and face your self

with all the reasons of resistance

and excuses of procrastination.

The mind is a great help

and hindrance,

the body just follows

its own gut.

What am i to do?

What am i to do?

My weight has stayed in a range of 100-106 kgs ( ~ 220 to 233 lbs) for the past 3 years.

It’s not that i haven’t tried to lose it, i just haven’t found enough motivation.

I do emotional eating, I took too many ipills (contraceptives) for the fear of getting pregnant. The side effect is always weight gain and for someone who’s always been on the heavier side, there was never enough motivation to lose weight.

I do exercise, or I try for a few months and then fall back again to the inactivity.

I just started to go for long walks since the start of October, but there’s a problem now.

I was having pain in my right foot’s heel on and off since 9th September. But now when I’ve started walking few kms every day, the pain is there every day.

I was scared to go to the doctor for the fear of them telling me what I know. That I’m in obese2 category with BMI of 36, and that my weight is what’s causing the pain on the heel.

I have the appointment with the doctor tomorrow. But before that, I need to face myself in the mirror.

Metaphorically and physically.

How long am I willing to let the weight hinder my health and activeness?

I have resisted losing weight whole my life because I was made to, I was told to lose it for all the wrong reasons.

Why don’t they ever tell a right reason? Why did they think I’d lose weight to look good for others? Why couldn’t they be honest with me for once?

I could keep blaming them, but no point to keep blaming what happened in the past.

All I can do is what I decide to do now.

I used to think I could bear the physical pain but not emotional pain. But these days, I think it’s reverse. I can bear emotional pain, but not physical pain.

Just so tired of it. This constant pain in the heel every time I put my foot on the ground.

This time, I don’t want to lose weight for others, for anyone but myself.

I want to lose weight for myself.

The only question that remains to be seen is how willing and committing I am to work for it.

~ ~ ~ ~

Raindrops shining on a car window while reflecting light from outside at night.

Above and Featured image: Photo by Aditi Premankit

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