Today, when I came across the book ‘The Heroine’s Journey’ by Maureen Murdock, the words in there resonated deeply within me.
For quite some time now, many many years, I have been experiencing a conflict with the feminine within.
Last week’s incident at home about the word ‘permission’ brought back inadmissible feelings from childhood and teenage years. The repressed feelings resurfaced with such a rage and force that it had surprised me.
It made me wonder about why the word permission made me rebel so much.
It made me wonder why as daughters, or daughters-in-law we ought to “ask” for permission.
It made me wonder why we were taught that.
It made me wonder why and what nudged me to be more and more self-reliant, to the extent of isolating myself, never asking for help.
It made me wonder why I want to be childfree so stubbornly, even though there’s a yearning at rare times.
It made me wonder why I didn’t want to look feminine at all, why I tended to reject it with such a might.
And all that has led me to this book, The Heroine’s Journey.
I have rejected my body, my femininity, any identification with being feminine including clothes, hair, or celebrating festivals.
I am still unsure of my feelings towards the feminine. There is a lot to dig.
But, rationally, I do understand that there ought to be a balance between masculinity and femininity.
Both are, after all, parts of a whole. Just like yin and yang.
Starting to read this book has brought an inner yearning to re-connect with the feminine.
Mother Nature has always been a profound healer and nurturer to me.
Maybe it will help me reconnect with those aspects of me that I rejected unconsciously in those rebellious teen years.
More updates on this later, as I read the book.
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aditi premankit 