Reflections

Hollowness in the heart

She put her hand in her heart and dragged out the hollow feeling.. holding it between her hands, she felt its emptiness. She wished she could remove and throw it off like a tumor, but there were still many hollow parts in her heart.

She still didn’t know what a mother’s unconditional love felt like. Somehow, today, tired of the tiredness, she had a longing for that love. That’s why she tried looking in her own heart, but all she felt was emptiness.

She didn’t blame her mother anymore. She had grown past that stage. All she had left was grief for what she could never feel. She still couldn’t understand why her mother never loved her. She read a lot about psychology, and through reason, she knew, but illogically, through feelings, she still didn’t understand. How can you not love another human being who was a part of you for 9 months? It was flabbergasting for her to not understand. And she never dared ask that to her mother. She didn’t have that kind of relation with her mother, nor could she ever have it. Her mother now showed a bit of kindness, perhaps her age has softened her a bit.

She had thought understanding it would help her to let it go. And it does help, only partially. She can never shake off those feelings of emptiness completely. They come back from time to time. It used to make her hate herself, but now there’s only sadness, and utter grief of not having mother’s love even when she had her mother. She used to wish she was born an orphan, not known her parents, that way she could’ve hoped…but this having parents, and not feeling loved, was worse. She had to act all adult, be responsible and also take care of her parents now, but within, she ached for that unconditional love. She had grown up now and those years were gone, so instead she did what she could..cry her grief out.

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