Reflections

Because I want to!

And there it goes again..
Same old blah blah..
And all of a sudden my defenses are on..
I defend myself, what i believe in..
Why do i have to give in?
I don’t want to..

Why can’t, for once in my life, why can’t i stand for what i believe in?

I don’t believe in marriages any more.
Yes, i’m escaping responsibility, mom.
No, i’m not a social person.
I just don’t want to.
It’s as simple as that.
Maybe it’s just one more kind of my rebellion against you,
but i don’t care..

Why can’t you let me be?
And then trying to scare me by telling of some incidences that happen to girls/women living alone..
Well, i can tell you of hundreds incidences in which people scam each other based on marriage, even murder. Not to mention all the other problems.

And my main problem is
i don’t want to live with another family, no matter how great and loving they are.
I had enough of one family. Don’t need another one.
Definitely don’t need to get married ‘coz it comes tagged along here.
I was about to tell you this on the call, that i really had enough of my own family, can’t deal with another family right now.. but i stopped myself..

Just let me be..
Life doesn’t need figuring out..
My life and my heart shows me the way..
And i will follow that way,
no matter if that way leads me to loneliness and being alone forever..
no matter if that way leads me out of this system..
I don’t want to be in this system anyways..
I don’t want to deal with any people at all..
Its too fecking tiring
when i can’t be me..
when i have to be polite and be ok with everything everyone wants..

Do you know after so many months
today i saw the sky..
like i used to at our Ahmedabad’s flat terrace..
remembering those peaceful moments made me cry..
and the sky was there even then..
its here even now..
unchanging..
sometimes clouds hide it,
sometimes i’m so into my own world that i forget the sky is out there
of all the lessons i learnt just by watching the sky and sunsets each evening back then..

i dont know which way i want to go..
i dont know which way i’m supposed to go..
and i’m fine with it..
i gave up all my dreams every time..
i gave up that airforce pilot dream
‘coz you all persuaded me that girls can’t do it..
i always tried to rebel against you about everything..
i wanted to get married but you didn’t want it then..
now i don’t want to, and you want me to..
can’t you see the pattern?!
i will always rebel against you..
i don’t know any other way..
coz that’s what keeps me going..

i just want to prove it once
that i can do what i want..
not bcoz i ‘have’ to,
not bcoz i ‘should’,
not bcoz you tell me to,
not bcoz society tells me to,
not bcoz i can’t coz i’m a girl..
i’m so tired of it!!!
so so soooo fecking tired of that excuse
that a girl can’t live on her own..
she has to get married..
i’m a human being first,
i can live the way i want to,
it’s my life and my choices..

Why can’t you see me as a human being??
i’m not a girl, not a 27 yr old girl..
if society sees me like that, let them..
i dont care..
i will live my life on my own terms..
and if that makes me selfish, yes i am
coz i’m tired of living life on everyone else’s terms… esp. yours…

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