Last night, i cried. Silently. Sobbing. Shivering. Clenching fists and clenching the stomach. Sitting for a while and again lying down. Next to him. He was asleep, so deeply. I didn’t have the heart to wake him up, or just go close to him and hug. I just couldn’t.
Coz i hated being a woman. This body. I wanted to tear it apart. Didn’t want any of it at all. Coz there was too much conflict. I dont want to get married, yet it feels good to be together. I dont want kids, yet the body (and maybe its biological) makes me long for a baby sometimes. Especially at times like this. When my periods are near. It’s like the body goes into a grieving mode, for what it is going to lose again, this month, losing the chance to have a baby. Every month i feel it, every month it is heartbreaking, and i have no choice but to cry and grieve for what is lost. But i dont want a baby. Not now not ever. And this longing that is there, is of body’s, not mine. And i rebel and struggle against my own body.
~ Is it me crying? Or is it the body crying? I have no idea.. Maybe its always a mixture of both.. ~
and after a while, the crying subsides on its own, that hollow feeling in stomach goes away, and slowly the sleep overpowers the body… and i drift off, as the tears dry..