Reflections

Afternoon confessions

‘What’s wrong?’

I dont know.

‘Why are you escaping again?’

I dont know.

‘What do you want?’

I dont know. Nothing.

‘Why don’t you want to go to college?’

Bcoz they are irritating me. Batchmates, seniors, professors. We are supposed to be working together, not against each other. All the bitching that goes on. I hate it. It makes me not want to be there. It was not like that when i joined. I was excited to learn new things. Now there’s no learning, just bitching and irritating, trying to one up each other. I dont want to go coz they are fuckinv hypocrites, they’ll be nice and sweet to each other and behind the backs say things. I hate it, i hate such atmosphere. It takes too much of energy to just keep calm and go on like all that doesn’t affect me, but it exhausts me. I dont want to take sides and still i have to, coz that’s how i’m supposed to act. That’s how i become when i’m there, just like them. And i hate it. I hate how i become when I’m there. Why should i go? I dont want to go. Same problem at home, surrounded by ‘family’, same problem now at work. What am i supposed to do? All i ever asked was to be left alone. Far off from all such drama. Yet i always get surrounded by dramas. Why cant i be alone? And work on my own?

‘Atleast for next 2.5 years, you cant.’

I know that! And i dont want to deal with it. I just want to be alone. I just want to be, the way i am. I dont want to pretend to be irritated by seniors, coz honestly i dont care what they do. I just want to work there calmly, patients and learning is what matters..not all these games, trying to impress sirs, bitching, taking away cases to finish quota. I hate it that all of them want to run after finishing cases and quota. Whatever happened to learning, sharing what we learn? It’s the same everywhere in this education system and i hate it.

‘Why don’t you leave it all aside and do what you want to do? If you want to learn, learn. Who’s stopping you? Just ignore them, be deaf to what they say, be blind to what they do. You came to learn, so learn. You wanted to do mds to learn, so learn. Don’t rely on others, you have all the books and articles, teach yourself and learn. Don’t let others around you, influence you.’

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