Wanting to run away,
not wanting to face the memories,
not wanting to face what i\’m feeling,
grief, sadness, anxiety,
everything and nothing,
yet here i am, at the doc\’s clinic,
it\’s not the same,
i don\’t remember that one,
yet the feelings are back..
i don\’t want to stay,
but i know i have to..
at moments like this,
i wish i didn\’t have a female body,
i wish i didn\’t have any body at all lol
but i have,
and i have to accept the fact..
i hate this
even though its for my own good,
i hate this
even though its my own decision.
it\’s a simple thing, a regular visit
yet i feel shame, guilty,
and hatred for having this body.
not wanting to face the memories,
not wanting to face what i\’m feeling,
grief, sadness, anxiety,
everything and nothing,
yet here i am, at the doc\’s clinic,
it\’s not the same,
i don\’t remember that one,
yet the feelings are back..
i don\’t want to stay,
but i know i have to..
at moments like this,
i wish i didn\’t have a female body,
i wish i didn\’t have any body at all lol
but i have,
and i have to accept the fact..
i hate this
even though its for my own good,
i hate this
even though its my own decision.
it\’s a simple thing, a regular visit
yet i feel shame, guilty,
and hatred for having this body.
and as i observe my feelings and thoughts
sitting there,
i want to laugh..
why am i even fighting my feelings?
it\’s nature\’s way to carry on everything..
it\’s how everything goes on in nature..
am i feeling this way coz i\’m stopping it?
isn\’t it ego that resists to everything?
it\’s just a prevention..
coz obviously i dont want the other way round..
Suddenly i feel light hearted
as i accept how i feel
as i accept how everything is..
coz no matter what i decide or don\’t,
Nature always accepts me as i am..
coz no matter what i do or don\’t,
i am..
Nothing else matters..
aditi premankit 