Reflections

Late night confessions

He said, “You see me different from you. I see you as a part of me. No one different. Not just one identity.”

I couldn’t say anything, coz he was right. I still didn’t see him as a part of me. Felt like he pierced right through everything. I don’t know how he does this every time, says something that is so true and yet i hate it coz i don’t want it to be that way.

I so want to be like him. Love the way he loves me, never giving up, always caring. I sometimes hate myself for not being able to love him like he loves me.

‘What do i do? Show me how to love you unconditionally, tell me how to see you as a part of me, not separate. I don’t know how.’ I whisper but don’t reply, wishing he could hear my thoughts.

What does it take to involve someone as a part of you? So much that your individual identities dissolve, and there’s only us, ours together.. Not different, just one whole..
Is it my running away from commitment? Or that he’ll leave eventually like everyone else? Leave eventually, lose interest or die? Maybe its the death part.. i can’t still get over that death almost 3 years ago.. the baby was a part of me, not different. if i make anyone a part of me, and they die, coz everyone dies eventually, how will i ever deal with it alone? That pain seems beyond unbearable, and maybe i am selfish, but i just can’t handle it, and maybe that’s the only thing stopping me from including him as a part of me.

But i cant get over death, which is the truest truth. Leaving is also a kind of death. Anything that ends is also a kind of death. So is my ultimate fear that i’ll be alone, utterly alone?! And that’s what i had been trying to learn…to be alone, to care for people, yet not involve them as a part of me. I like being alone now, that’s why i’m scared of letting him in as a part of me, coz eventually it would end and i have no idea how to handle it.

~ Round n round in circles i keep going
not knowing how to let you in
won’t you show me little ways
coz i want to love you like you do.. ~

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