Emotions choked up,

head aching,
i escape up on the terrace..
Watching Rachel (in Friends) find out
that she was pregnant
and how she wanted the baby,
it kind of triggered old memories
and emotions,
flooded me like gushing river..
The breeze has turned into wind today,
and quite a bit colder..
I dunno what to do with the memories,
i had buried them, didnt even think about them..
And now, they lay here, like a freshly open wound..
And I miss you..
And i wish again i didnt have to do what i did..
But i did..
And here i am, without you..
In those few moments, i loved you..
probably loved you even more than i ever loved anyone..
not even my ex, in all those years.
Getting over my ex was so much easier than this..
I’m still not able to get over you..
Probably never will.
You were a part of me,
and now you’re gone..
I dunno why i took so quick a decision
without much thinking
maybe coz of the hurt and anger
and it was probably for the best..
The consequences of it,
i suffer now,
randomly, like this..
These intense emotions..
You’re just a memory now,
you’re gone,
and i feel so much worse..
I wish i could hold you even for just a second..
Knowingly or unknowingly,
sometimes i keep looking for you
in people all around,
in trees, in the sky,
in the sand,
in the puppies,
in the leaves, or clouds
but you’re gone
nowhere to be found..
Oh God!
I’m sorry..
I’m really really sorry..

“And now my bitter hands
chafe beneath the clouds
of what was everything..
All the pictures have
all been washed in black
tattooed everything..
Oh and twisted thoughts that spin
’round my head..
I’m spinning, ohh i’m spinning..
How quick the sun can drop away?
And now my bitter hands
cradle broken glass
of what was everything..

All the love gone bad
turned my world to black
tattooed all i see
all that i am
all i’ll beeeeee…

I know someday you’ll have a beautiful life,
I know you’ll be a sun in somebody else’s sky,
but whyy
whhyy cant it be
whhyy cant it be miiiiiine?!”

Black – Pearl Jam
And now..
after letting it all out,
crying it out,
like everytime,
i’m left with feeling nothing..
Just a blankness..

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