Confused,
tired,
should sleep
but cannot..
Feeling distant
detached
just sick of everything
and everyone..
A melancholic sadness
setting in..
The one you can express
to nobody..
Just feel it in your bones
deep down..
The very dreams that you
once dreamt
dont matter at all now,
you dont want that at all,
and the people around are hellbent
to make you play those games
and roles that you now feel sick of..
Is that who I am?
A player in this game?
Another pawn to be sacrificed?
Why these limits and roles?
How much do i have to struggle
to tear away these roles and layers
every single day
and still every single day
i get sucked back in this madness!
How do i explain to them?
Will they ever understand?
I dont dream anymore,
i gave it all up sometime back.
Coz those dreams dont matter..
Nothing really matters.
Nothing at all.
Only this moment.
But why do we keep living in our pasts
or futures?
when those are only stories we weave..
Why all these customs and rituals
and marriages and rules
which instead of setting you free
bind you even more,
sucking you back into madness
and suffering.
Why not just be?
without all these limitations
or restrictions
or these games and roles?
Makes me wish
to leave everything
and to go sit in the middle of a forest
to just observe and see everything around,
or to go sit near the edge of the vast ocean
and watch the waves and the foam..
coz around Nature, i’m a nobody.
No roles, no games.
Nature never told me that i was an indian, asian,
my age, a girl or a guy, my name, parents.
Nature never asked me where i live, what i do, what are my plans
or about my past.
Nature never told me i should be getting married or build a house,
or read books and get degrees.
(why is all that important, i have no idea!)
Nature always made me feel alive by just being there
without roles and labels.
Nature always is.
Everything and every animal, bird, insect, tree or a tiny organism
they all just are as they are.
Why cant we just be?
Why all these roles and attachments
and blaming, mindlessness
and ‘mine’ ‘not mine’?
Only questions.
No solutions.
Round n round you go in circles
tryin to break free from the cycles
but cant..
No idea what i’ll do.
i’m just goin to be.
and watch all the nonsense from a distance
without reacting and getting sucked back
into the drama they play.
(atleast, i hope so!)
I’m not all these roles and limitations
I’m not these restrictions and customs
I’m more
so much more than all that.
I dunno what that ‘more’ is.
Got to find that now.
I only know that i’m much more than all this.
aditi premankit 